


I'm Okay (Not Okay)

by mxxnfxqx



Series: Quarantine Ideas [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, I Blame TikTok, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, don't wanna cry inspired, joshua and chan are there for support, they are also angels, vernon is an angel i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:48:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27698524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxxnfxqx/pseuds/mxxnfxqx
Summary: Seungkwan and Vernon's relationship fell apart after a few years just because of the secret Vernon couldn't share with Seungkwan. And to keep Seungkwan safe from the consequences of Vernon's mistakes.I don't know how to write summaries now.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Boo Seungkwan/Kim Mingyu, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Series: Quarantine Ideas [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704109
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	I'm Okay (Not Okay)

**Author's Note:**

> Definately inspired by the tiktok trend of Don't Wanna Cry, Wonwoo and Mingyu's bridge. Hence the title was from the song. Why am I so lame? This was sitting in my drafts since the 21 of November...
> 
> Had been very busy with life and school but random ideas pops up so my drafts are actually full. Enjoy this oneshot and watch me disappear again.

"You only think about yourself half the time and frankly, I'm getting sick of it! I want you to pay attention to me, to listen to me, to understand me, to comfort me!" Seungkwan screamed. "To love me like you did before. To love me like when we first met each other by that smoothie shop." Tears ran down Seungkwan's face as his voice got softer towards the end of his sentence.

Vernon looked at Seungkwan, whose tears was streaming down his face. He didn't know what to do. He knew that the longer he kept Seungkwan with him, next to him, the more Seungkwan will suffer. Vernon wasn't meant to stay down here for long. He was supposed to leave 3 years ago but he begged to stay with Seungkwan each year just so that he could love Seungkwan with the remaining time he had left.

"I'm sorry Seungkwan-ah. I can't be the guy that you fell in love with in the past. I can't love you like I did before. I can't love you like you love me." Vernon stroked Seungkwan's face and looked towards the ground as he saiid the last sentence, not having the courage to lie straight into Seungkwan's eyes. 

It broke both their hearts. Neither knew how to fix their relationship, letting the cracks get worse as the months had past by and knew that the remaining thread that was holding their relationship together had been broken.

Vernon do not dare to look right into Seungkwan's eyes and lie that he doesn't love him anymore because he still does. He also didn't know if Seungkwan could tell that he was saying the truth over the fact that Seungkwan had been heartbroken and disappointed. Vernon loves him to the moon and back but he knew the higher ups wouldn't allow him to stay any longer. It was better for him to leave Seungkwan and breaking his heart rather than telling him and endangering his life again or leave him wondering where had his boyfriend went, leaving him all alone.

Seungkwan pulled his face out of Vernon's grasp, took his bags that he had packed and left the apartment. Vernon's hands were left hanging, imagining that he could still feel the warmth of Seungkwan from where he had stood. The apartment was left cold after Seungkwan had shut the door behind him. They had rented it in hopes that they would, no, could continue to live together till they were old and frail. Vernon looked at the closed door and slid down to his knees and broke down crying.

Joshua and Chan came out of the shadows of the apartment and moved towards Vernon to comfort him. They knew how much Vernon loved Seungkwan, for they were the ones that encouraged Vernon to chase after Seungkwan even though Vernon was hesitant. They knew that Vernon was sacrificing his love for Seungkwan's safety and happiness. They hugged Vernon as he cried himself to sleep. Joshua wiped away Vernon's dried up tears before bringing him towards the bed. Chan went to off the room lights before joining Joshua in accompanying Vernon, cuddling him to sleep.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Years past by and the memory of Vernon was forgotten by Seungkwan. He had a new life and was happier. The only reminder Seungkwan had of Vernon was the bracelet that they got on their first anniversary and the apartment that Vernon had left him after they broke up.

Vernon had given the key to Soonyoung, by leaving it in the mail at Soonyoung's house where Seungkwan was temporarily staying at. The key came with a letter of apology and the precious things that they both had gotten while they were together. The only thing that was missing was the other half of their couple bracelet. Vernon had kept it as a reminder of their relationship. Seungkwan had broke down when he saw the items on the table when Soonyoung brought the mail in. He had expected Vernon to come back and apologise to him for leaving him but he didn't. Seungkwan was heartbroken after so long and he stopped interacting with his friends for a while.

Vernon watches as Seungkwan went into the cafe. He knew everything that was going on in Seungkwan's life after he had left, watching over Seungkwan as he went on with his life without Vernon. Vernon had tried to move on but he couldn't bear to. He loved Seungkwan so much that the higher ups to pity on Vernon made him Seungkwan's guardian angel. It was also because of the fact that Vernon didn't want to leave Seungkwan out of his vision and it became annoying to the higher ups.

Vernon's heart broke as he watches Seungkwan kissed his new boyfriend, Mingyu, as they greeted each other for their date. He knew that Mingyu loves Seungkwan as much as Seungkwan loves Mingyu. Just like how they were before.

As he watches the happiness that was radiating off of Seungkwan's face get brighter, Vernon's sight started to blur up. He wiped away the stray tear that had fallen. Vernon walked away from the cafe, head hanging as he was stuck deep in his thoughts.

"Jihoon hyung! The song is really nice! I think everyone will like the song as soon as it is release!" Seungkwan praises Jihoon's new unreleased single, Don't Wanna Cry. "Why'd you write such a heartbreaking song though? Is your relationship not going well? You know you can tell me anything." Jihoon just smiled at Seungkwan, not telling him who wrote the song not knowing what his reaction would be.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vernon stopped by Jihoon's studio before he had to leave the human world behind. He knocked on the door and Soonyoung had opened it. The door was quickly slammed shut before it opened again with a new face behind it.

"Vernon-ah, what are you doing here?" Jihoon asked. Vernon nodded his head in greeting to Jihoon before entering the studio. He stood next to Jihoon right behind the door and passed Jihoon a notebook and a thumb drive before asking him to produce it with no other words. Vernon also made Jihoon and Soonyoung promised to let only Seungkwan hear the song before releasing it to the world. Jihoon looked at him skeptically but still promised Vernon. He watches Vernon walked further away from them before disappearing into thin air as Jihoon blinked.

"Ji, what did he want?" Soonyoung jumped on Jihoon as soon as he shut the door of the studio, bombarding Jihoon with questions. Jihoon shrugged before walking to his computer and plugging in the thumb drive. A sad melody came out of the speakers. Jihoon flipped through the notebook that was filled with heart touching lyrics and beats for the song that was currently playing.

It was just a short piece but it touched Jihoon and Soonyoung deeply. The raw emotion they felt Vernon putting in the song was so strong. Soonyoung broke down when he heard the ending of the piece.

**_'I'm okay (not okay)  
I don't wanna see you (I really miss you)  
I have to lie with the words that I don't like  
Because my heart doesn't listen like I thought  
Come back come back come back  
How can I live when the other half of me is gone'_ **

Vernon's voice played through the speaker, mixed with the soft, touching melody. The piece ended and Vernon's voice appeared again.

"I'm sorry I have made everyone hate me because I didn't keep my promise of keeping Seungkwan happy. He is happier with Mingyu now and safer, definately. Jihoon hyung, don't share this message with anyone especially to Seungkwan and Soonyoung hyung, I know you'll be there so listen. I have to leave. Once I have given you this thumb drive and notebook, I'll disappear. I have to go back and do my duties up there. Don't worry about me and I hope you'll forgive me even if it may take very long. I will be watching over all of you from up there, protecting you from anything. I left the both of you something that is tucked in between the pages of the notebook. I hope you'll continue remembering me with those items and keep me in your heart forever. I'm sorry for leaving and I'm sorry for everything again. Don't worry about me. I'll come visit you once I have the permission and time to return to here. Goodbye hyungs. Love Vernon." and the recording stopped.

Soonyoung and Jihoon looked at each other. The regret they felt for hating on Vernon, because he had left Seungkwan, got heavier. Jihoon wiped away his tears and opened the notebook. In it, there was the lyrics of the piece Vernon wrote and two bracelets with their initials, 'VN, SN, JH', placed next to each other. They both knew how Vernon had depended on them when he first came to Korea. They were his first friends.

Jihoon flipped through the notebook, reading the lyrics that Vernon wrote. He will complete the song, just as he promised Vernon and share with Seungkwan before releasing it.

****_'I love you, I love you_  
It is not enough, no matter what you say  
Where did you go after leaving me who only loved you' 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jihoon looked at Seungkwan, waiting for his reaction. He had secretly hope that Seungkwan would recognise the feeling of the song but he knew Seungkwan won't be able to figure it out.

"Jihoon hyung. Why is the song so sad? It's very touching and makes me wanna cry." Seungkwan encouraged his hyung to release the song. Jihoon's smile couldn't reach his eyes but he had promised. Jihoon turned around and pressed the enter key on the keyboard, letting the world hear the song.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vernon listens as the song he had written plays around Seoul. He knew Jihoon had released the song, which means Seungkwan had heard it. Vernon knew Seungkwan's reaction to it, courtesy of Soonyoung, who recorded the conversation and forward it to Chan.

He watches as Seungkwan and Mingyu walked down the footpath. He watches as Seungkwan's bubbly laughter filled up the night because of Mingyu's joke. He watches as the light in Seungkwan's eyes got brighter, how the love for Mingyu on his face gets bigger. He knew then that he wasn't important or remembered in Seungkwan's life anymore. 

Vernon felt a hand on his shoulder and turned. Vernon took Joshua's hand and turned around to face him. He was allowed to spend a month in the human world so he went to meet with Chan, Soonyoung and Jihoon. 

Soonyoung and Jihoon met Joshua and Vernon at the end of the footpath with Chan. The 5 of them greeted each other before heading to their usual korean bbq place for their rare dinners. They didn't know that Seungkwan and Mingyu had seen them. 

Seungkwan was confused as he felt that the group seems so familiar to him but he wasn't sure how or why. He felt Mingyu pulling on his arm and ran to catch up to Mingyu. Seungkwan ignored the group and the voice in his head to turn around. He ignored the pulls on his heart towards the group. He focused on the happiness at that moment with Mingyu and forget about the feelings that he thought he felt towards the group.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on my main stan twitter: [main](https://twitter.com/fxqxh2)
> 
> Find me on my au twitter:[au](https://twitter.com/mxxnfxqx)
> 
> Don't hesitate to give me feedback and/or prompts to improve my writing and expand it.


End file.
